Here we are again. It’s been almost a year since I decided I had to get away from the computer and out into the world. I paid tribute to the birth of my niece, then slung the Mailbag over my shoulder and trudged off to live life IRL. Remember?
I told you that it wasn’t you, it was me. You asked, were we breaking up? I told you that no, we were still going to be friends. We were just going to be the kind of friends who never spent any time together. Or talked on the phone. Or wrote one another. You’d be an integral part of my life, simply one to whom I never gave any actual thought.
Look — I was busy. But as it turns out, I might have been hasty. I’m not saying that it wasn’t good to have a break, but maybe it’s time we got back to having some sort of relationship. Please don’t misunderstand me, because you need to know that I’m not proposing any kind of monogamy. I have a real girl in the picture, the love of my life. Someone who gives me a lot that frankly, you just never could. She answers back. She’s smart and adventurous, a dynamite kisser, and a great cook. She has legs.
Before you launch into the jealousy routine, I know you’ve had visitors while I’ve been away. Seems to me that you’re pretty popular with the “pooping faces, anal leakage, fat bastard dead sexy, wham bam thank you ham” crowd. And that’s really only the tip of the iceberg, if I’m being honest. I’m going to pretend I didn’t see half of what you’ve been hiding away in your search stats, and if I can start clean after all that, it seems fair that you should be able to, too. Glass houses, Blog, that’s all I’m saying. Glass houses.
Obviously, entering back into friendships — you know, the kind involving actual communication — with people or computer pages doesn’t always work. I haven’t talked to you about my batshit crazy ex-girlfriend, mostly because I’m afraid of being overheard. Trust me on this one, though. I might contact you late at night after a glass of bourbon, but please don’t ever, ever return the favor. I’ve had more than enough of that.
I think the only way that this has a chance of working is if you let me do most of the talking.
Clearly, you’re thinking, “All this trepidation and these caveats … why are we reconciling?” The obvious answer is that I feel bad that you can’t live without me. Also, though, I’ve missed having the sounding board. Even if our communications historically have been one-way, there are all kinds of things that I’d like to share and ruminate about. You should consider this notice that I’ll be making booty calls here and there, but only when I feel like it, not when you pressure me to do so. Sometimes when I’m with my lady (the other one, baby – you know you’re the most), we have fun experiences or conversations ending with, “And the blog entry just kind of wrote itself.” I want to run to you, to tell you about these things. Sometimes politics or sport drive me to bend your ear. After a while, a man decides to stop trying to resist these urges.
That’s really what’s going on. When it’s been this long, I can’t just show up at 2:00 AM with a bottle of hooch and a sexy expression, and expect you to let me in. So please accept this not-at-all apology, and get set to have your world rocked. On a variably-frequent basis, and completely on my terms. That’s called love, baby.
I’ll see you soon. Leave a light on.