It’s time to be fair. I posted a little bit ago when Real Simple treated us like idiots with the revelation that microwaves can heat or melt things. I’ve also repeatedly referred to a prominent opinion outlet as Faux News. When I’m a loudmouth about all the stupid things being foisted on us through the Internets, it only seems right to give proper respect when someone like Cris Carl shows us something truly useful.
Maybe you’ve always suspected an article like this was out there, like I did. Like this guy did.
Well, no more, baby birds. Of Mr. Carl’s 14 uses for beer, I’ll readily admit that I only knew about the first two. I linked to the article above in case you want to read more of the details, but here’s the basic list:
- 1. Trap slugs and snails;
- 2. Trap fruit flies;
- 3. Distract bees and wasps from your outdoor gathering;
- 4. Get rid of mice;
- 5. Cockroach trap;
- 6. Fertilize your gardens;
- 7. Fertilize your indoor plants;
- 8. Get rid of brown spots in your lawn;
- 9. Stain removal;
- 10. Spruce up wooden furniture;
- 11. Clean gold jewelry;
- 12. Polishing brass pots;
- 13. Loosen rusty bolts; and
- 14. Insulation.
Trap pests … check. Fertilize plants … why not? Stain removal … that’s novel. Insulate … wait, what? Here’s the explanation on that last one:
for the truly adventurous and creative, if you use full, unopened cans of beer in construction of walls, the beer absorbs the cold and won’t freeze in temperate climates (due to the alcohol content).
This reminds me of the Bud Light commercial where the guy builds his house out of beer cans, but everyone gets excited because the refrigerator is full. Take that, stupid Three Little Pigs — if anyone tried to huff and puff that house, they’d lie around on the front lawn afterward, moaning for someone to call Saferide to get them home.
In all seriousness, you’d probably not only need creativity and an adventurous streak to build a wall out of full beer cans, but also some amount of resignation that you’ll never have a serious girlfriend. I think it would also require a certain level of self-control to refrain from pulling pieces out of your wall when you wanted to keep your buzz going … a level of self-control that is basically belied by building a wall out of beer cans. It would be like the house of the perpetual kid: two parts frat boy and one part Bob the Builder.
We can forgive Good Mr. Carl a jest in his parting list item. Of course, the moral of the story is that people need to lay off when they see my fridge full of this wonderful stuff.
I’m just handy around the house.