Now THIS is Useful Advice

It’s time to be fair. I posted a little bit ago when Real Simple treated us like idiots with the revelation that microwaves can heat or melt things. I’ve also repeatedly referred to a prominent opinion outlet as Faux News. When I’m a loudmouth about all the stupid things being foisted on us through the Internets, it only seems right to give proper respect when someone like Cris Carl shows us something truly useful.

Maybe you’ve always suspected an article like this was out there, like I did. Like this guy did.

Well, no more, baby birds. Of Mr. Carl’s 14 uses for beer, I’ll readily admit that I only knew about the first two. I linked to the article above in case you want to read more of the details, but here’s the basic list:

  • 1. Trap slugs and snails;
  • 2. Trap fruit flies;
  • 3. Distract bees and wasps from your outdoor gathering;
  • 4. Get rid of mice;
  • 5. Cockroach trap;
  • 6. Fertilize your gardens;
  • 7. Fertilize your indoor plants;
  • 8. Get rid of brown spots in your lawn;
  • 9. Stain removal;
  • 10. Spruce up wooden furniture;
  • 11. Clean gold jewelry;
  • 12. Polishing brass pots;
  • 13. Loosen rusty bolts; and
  • 14. Insulation.

Trap pests … check. Fertilize plants … why not? Stain removal … that’s novel. Insulate … wait, what? Here’s the explanation on that last one:

for the truly adventurous and creative, if you use full, unopened cans of beer in construction of walls, the beer absorbs the cold and won’t freeze in temperate climates (due to the alcohol content).

This reminds me of the Bud Light commercial where the guy builds his house out of beer cans, but everyone gets excited because the refrigerator is full. Take that, stupid Three Little Pigs — if anyone tried to huff and puff that house, they’d lie around on the front lawn afterward, moaning for someone to call Saferide to get them home.

In all seriousness, you’d probably not only need creativity and an adventurous streak to build a wall out of full beer cans, but also some amount of resignation that you’ll never have a serious girlfriend. I think it would also require a certain level of self-control to refrain from pulling pieces out of your wall when you wanted to keep your buzz going … a level of self-control that is basically belied by building a wall out of beer cans. It would be like the house of the perpetual kid: two parts frat boy and one part Bob the Builder.

We can forgive Good Mr. Carl a jest in his parting list item. Of course, the moral of the story is that people need to lay off when they see my fridge full of this wonderful stuff.

I’m just handy around the house.

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7 Responses to Now THIS is Useful Advice

  1. I knew about 1, 2, 3, and 5, only because we’ve had problems with all of those pests around our house in the last two years and I wanted to find a natural (i.e. no chemical) solution. Had no idea about the plant-based solutions, definitely going to try them out. And I would think for both 9 and 10, the color/type of beer you use would probably make a difference. Wouldn’t want to use Guiness to take a stain out of a light carpet, but a dark stout would make polishing the wood furniture prettier.

    Then again, it depends on how much you need to use. One drop for carpet, one swig for me. One drop for the furniture, one swig for me…

  2. Oh, beer will freeze. We learn this every year on vacation when someone puts beer in the freezer to get them cold faster and then forgets they’re there. It will freeze. And then explode. So I call shenanigans on the last thing. But I will admit I did not know any of the other bits of useful tips. Still, I have to wonder… wouldn’t one rather just… drink it?

  3. bonnie says:

    Stain removal and cleaning gold jewelry – those are due to the carbonation. The stewards at the Marine Corps Commandant’s house use carbonated water to remove stains from the carpet. If you used beer, wouldn’t that also create another use for it — potpourri?

  4. Cory Wagner says:

    Guinness is the most powerful alcoholic drink invented. Increase your google-fu for details!

    • popdialectic says:

      I keep hearing all these crazy diets promoted by various “health experts.” When are people going to realize that all you need to live is Guinness and vitamin pills??

  5. M says:

    If #12 is something you are considering, you need to be drinking better beer…

    • popdialectic says:

      Right? Besides, who uses brass pots anymore? It’s like they suggested, “Use beer the next time the chain on your castle drawbridge sticks – it will make the metal more supple and ensure that your knights aren’t pitched sideways into the alligator-filled moat.”

      I use Teflon, bitch. That’s space age and doesn’t need to reduce my Guinness consumption.

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