Bob Barker spent decades signing off The Price is Right exhorting viewers to take steps against unplanned reproduction of their pets. It’s true that there are too many dogs and cats around without good homes, and no one knows that better than PETA. It’s also true that there are too many people roaming around who probably ought not be breeding, so for once, I’m going to state publicly that PETA has its finger on the pulse of America.
You see, they’re sponsoring a contest. To be eligible, you have to get your dog or cat spayed or neutered. Then the winner, determined through an essay portion, will win a free vasectomy. As a supporter of ZPG, I’m in favor of anyone who wants to get The Snip. Planned Parenthood should give vasectomies away for free.
I’m really curious what kind of entries they’re going to get. It occurs to me that, absent a well-developed sense of irony, this might not be a contest you want to win. I’ve written about my own reasoning when I decided to have the procedure – summarized, some suggestions for valid rationale:
- Zero Population Growth is important as the human race expands beyond the ability of our natural resources to support us;
- Although it sounds like an odd way to be romantic, taking the obligation to keep up birth control from your mate makes you a far more attractive man;
- There are already far too many unwanted pregnancies, so if you know you don’t want more children, there’s security in the procedure; and
- Hell, nothing says you’ve got stones like sitting still while someone renders them inoperative.
Anyone reading and contemplating entry into the contest is welcome to paraphrase any of the above. I’ve already been fixed so I have no interest in the intellectual property of my reasoning anymore. In any case, here’s the entry you might want to avoid:
Dear Mister or Missus,
I herd from my uncle-father your giving away rubbers that men ware inside them. He says I cant take it off once you put it on me, but thats okay cuz I dont relly want to have no more kids anyway. My sister says I can git some again but only if Im fixed.
PS. Im putting a picture in with this here so you can know Im fer real.
Well, avoid that one if you have any pride and know the difference. Because to hell with the contest deadline, someone might open that envelope and yell, “Instant winner!”
But if you’re going to go the ironic route, I’m put in mind of the 1927 Supreme Court case, Bell v Buck, in which the high court found that it was not constitutionally objectionable for the state to institute compulsory sterilization. It was part of the eugenics craze and time has repudiated the reasoning, but how awesome would it be if someone (maybe the guy above) won himself a free vasectomy by quoting Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., writing for the majority:
“Three generations of imbeciles are enough.”