From Russia With Love

Couple days ago, my contact with the new job I’ve just accepted said she’d sent me a note and I couldn’t find it. Since I have to pass a background check for my new position, it’s important that I recover the link and tell them what’s going on. So I checked my spam folder to make sure it hadn’t gotten redirected … proving once again that every now and then, you really need to check the messages that Google assumes you didn’t want.

Here’s one of the gems I rescued from obscurity:

Hi dear! I am for a decent man.

As for me, I am a young Russian girl
Do you like Russian women?

They are not just beautiful and smart, but very tolerant too.
Russian women value family and try to be with their husbands as much as possible.

It’s time to get to know each other!
See you on marriage agency. Cheerio!

So, for the moment, I’m going to ignore the bright notice across the top of this email from Google telling me that, “This message was likely forged and did not originate from your account.” I’ll forego that “Learn More” link, because I’m pretty sure I didn’t come on to myself posing as a sexy Slavic woman, so that’s a waste of time. I’ll even grant benefit of the doubt to the adjective “young” in bold italics and assume it doesn’t mean illegal. Clearly, my account is just confused, because of course women in Russia want to come here and be my bride. It doesn’t arouse my skepticism in the least that we’ve never talked and I’m getting an offer to marry me and spend “a great deal of time” together.

Clearly one of the very best Bond movies.

I know what you’re thinking: She didn’t even give you her name.

No, she didn’t. That’s because she’s exotic and mysterious. Like anything you buy off the Internet. And no, the “cheerio!” she dropped at the end doesn’t make her sound like a British spammer – it just means that she’s worldly and we won’t have a language barrier right off the bat.

Before I contact the International Marriage Agency and whisk her here to be the mother to my two children and my soulmate, she probably ought to know that she’ll have competition – there were eerily similar notes from two Ukranian women that I’m considering. Oh, and I have a girlfriend that I’m pretty fond of, so probably there will have to be a bake-off somewhere along the line to break the tie. Also, I’ll have to be careful not to share the multiple Cialis and Viagra ads I have in the same folder as my offer of lifelong love.

My Spam folder is GOLD. It’s full of the things I want and need most, but since I went there with the idea of passing a background check, I might end up keeping it to myself in the future.

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