Better Coverage Than Boost

Alison lives around the corner from about a dozen churches. A couple of weeks ago, while trekking back to the parking place I’d managed to find, I observed a sign advertising the Sunday service at one of them. It always makes me laugh when people can find humor in promoting their religion, even as it made me wonder for the sanity of a pastor somewhere.

Judge (not, lest ye be judged) for yourself.

I lived in McLean for a while, near the McLean Bible Church. They used to put all kinds of crazy one-liners up on their sign to entice passing motorists. You know the type:

  • “Staying in bed, shouting ‘Oh, God!’ does not constitute going to church.”
  • “I don’t know why some people change churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from?”
  • “Every day above ground is a good one.”
  • “There are some questions that can’t be answered by Google.” [debatable]
  • “Midnight Mass and toga party – B.Y.O.B.J. (Bring Your Own Baby Jesus)”
  • “Wal-Mart is not the only saving place.”
  • “Santa Claus never died for anyone.”
  • “Salvation guaranteed — or your sin cheerfully refunded!”
  • “Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out.”
  • “Artifical intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.”

And one of my favorites …

  • “Don’t let worries kill you. Let the church help.”

So for grins, I went to my bible so see whether this one was funny. The cited passages:

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

I’ll concede clever but I won’t go so far as “funny.” Plus, I have questions. Who in the world thinks Boost Mobile is a good yardstick against which to measure omniprescence. Not this guy. Are there coverage statistics available? How about simultaneous voice and data? Is it 3G? Also, is this an enforceable guarantee? Are rebates available? Is there a Better Business Bureau equpped to handle complaints against the Almighty? Does Steve Jobs allow development of apps?

Hold the hate mail, please, it’s all intended in good fun. And I’m just saying, sometimes when I go on vacation, I like to get out of my coverage area.

Mr. Nolan, it's for you. It's God. He says we should have girls at Welton!

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